Get a police sketch done of what you would look like with a beard.
Build your playing card pyramids without being hassled by nags of “It’s in the way of the TV” or “Stop doing that in the bathroom.”
Refer to every time of the day as “Beer 30.”
Hand feed your hungry hungry hippo all of the marbles.
When you see a pair of buxom twins walking down the street you can openly express yourself and give your buddies high fives and say, “Heck yeah, someday I’m going to find a woman who loves me and we’ll have twin girls of our own and raise them and love them with all of our hearts.”
Get a prostate exam in every state.
Have a night out with the boys until you all puke in your favorite bucket.
Pickle your toothbrush collection.
Purchase a tiny one-inch hat and construct a device around it made of magnifying glasses so the hat looks normal size and wear it around and make it your new thing.
Rearrange your kitchen drawers so all the spoons are in the fork’s spot.
Wink 13 times at the grocery store cashier.
Learn a new smile.
Give a peace offering to the neighborhood skunk.
Finish creating the new workout craze that will sweep the nation, OnlyDoing Sit-Ups and Eating Rocky Mountain Oysters.
Make ranch flavored Drano because it’s not stupid and pointless, it’s smart and good.
Set a picture of Pamela Anderson as your work computer background so people know you are back on the hunt.
Make a body wash suicide by mixing several brands of soap together.
Completely transform yourself into Skeeter from the hit animated series Doug. Your girlfriend always wanted you to look like Roger Klotz but you knew that wasn’t the real you.
Most all of the Beatles album covers are now iconic. But there were many other ideas tossed around that got surprisingly close to being in place of what is now history.
Hi, Nice to Meet You. It’s Me, Mr. Beatle
Beatles’ manager Brian Epstein worked on drawings in his spare time. One day he brought an image to the studio he crayoned of a new character for the band, Mr. Beatle. The colorful scratches on the grid paper contained a poor attempt at a tracing of Epstein’s hand with bug wings, eyes, a human nose, and soul patch. Though the cover was not used, Mr. Beatle still remains the official mascot for the band.
Magical Mystery Pocket
1967 was the peak of the Beatles’ infamous pocket stage. They experimented with all kinds of pockets. Unsymmetrical pockets, uniquely sewed pockets, pockets within pockets. The boys were in the midst of the summer of pockets. They wanted their next work to be a representation of their new obsession. All four members emptied out their specialized pockets out onto a table, and the resulting contents were photographed and to be used as the next cover which included 27 m&m’s (each from their own pocket), George’s mini sitar, a ziplock baggy full of Cheerios, Ringo’s baby teeth, a travel sized bottle of ranch, a pebble that looked eerily like a gravestone with “Paul” etched into it, and John’s official Beatle ID card.
Led Zeppelin IV
The Beatles were incredibly influential on the music industry and culture. They pioneered recording techniques with feedback, tape loops, and overdubbing, but having the working title Led Zeppelin IV for their second album in 1963 was truly ahead of its time.
(untitled) The N-Word Album
In an attempt to win back the support of the fundamentalist/white supremacists demographic they lost with John’s “bigger than Jesus” comment the lads came up with naming their next album the derogatory term. Lots of debates were had about this of course, how big the font should be, should the “g"s just be replaced with asterisks. But the lads eventually compromised and simply left the canvas blank, which has come to be known as the White Album.
Pete Best More Like Pete Worst
John Lennon was known to be somewhat of a bully, and it’s no more evident than his original proposal for their fifth studio album. Taking a shot at the former member of the band who was kicked out just before their first record deal was a completely unwarranted attack, really kicking a guy while he’s down. A test run was made for the album with the image of the entire band throwing darts at a pathetic caricature of Best, but they eventually landed on a track from the LP, the more aptly titled Help!
147 Ringos
By 1964 the Beatles were a household name. With the money that came with that kind of fame, Ringo spent a sizable chunk on mannequins molded in his image. A photograph was taken of the full collection amassed in a towering pile of limbs and sad eye. The band planned to write a song for each of the 147 Ringos shown on the cover. This idea was scrapped soon after the infamous Ringo mannequin fire of ‘64.
Truth or Shmear
This confusing title was very close to becoming an official Beatle lore. The name comes from a game George created that’s essentially truth or dare but replaces dares with “shmearing,” or rubbing something on one’s body like cream cheese or peanut butter. George fought hard for the title, thinking it would solidify the game’s brand, but Lennon and McCartney shot it down reasoning that it was Ringo’s turn to name an album. Sadly the band would break up before it was George’s first turn to name an album.
Please Call Us the Mustache Boys Now
In 1967 when the Beatles returned from vacation to find they all had separately grown mustaches, they knew they were on the same page and all ached to try something even more innovative than ever before on their next album. The answer was glaringly clear: they would emerge renamed as the Mustache Boys. For the entire year the band refused to acknowledge any name other than the Mustache Boys, and subsequently only answered to “Mustache Boy One” “Two” “Three” and “Four.” No one is sure how or why this album was scrapped.
Happy Birthday Scott
In 1965 with the band scrambling for album ideas, Ringo came running into the studio in a panic realizing he had forgotten his own brother’s birthday. He pleaded with John, Paul, and George to let him make their next album a gift for Scott Starkey. A cake was commissioned with Scott’s visage shaped out of frosting. Only one cover was ever made with the dessert on it, the rest had a slightly warped photo of the band on the cover and was called Rubber Soul.
A Nice Tree At Sunset
For John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s first official date they went to a wine and paint party, which was just becoming popular at the time. Everyone was shown the same example of a nice tree with a sunset to paint their rendition, and John was so proud of his version that he brought it back to Abbey Road to show it off and make his argument for it being the cover and inspiration for their next work. It was unanimously accepted and the art hung on the break room refrigerator until Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys stopped by burned it because he thought it was haunted.
Paul, John, George, and Bracelet Guy
By 1966 Ringo had grown tired of his fingers being so heavy with jewelry, and declared he was now a bracelet guy. His name was legally changed to Bracelet Guy Starkey and he wanted the world to know it, but the rest of the band refused to have their names used on the album cover for privacy issues.
Lost Eggplant Turning Left
As Paul was driving to the studio one day he noticed an eggplant that must have fallen from a food truck and was lying in the center of a turn lane. He immediately rang up his then girlfriend Linda, a photographer, to capture the beautiful image. The cover was eventually tossed, but famously would be used as the covers for three of McCartney’s future solo albums.
Bonus:
American Hot Pocket – (Paul solo album)
Though not an idea from an official Beatles album, American Hot Pocket was an idea almost used by Paul for his 2008 album. Paul had become obsessed with the movie franchise American Pie at this point and had an idea for a reimagining of the movie with Hot Pockets in place of cherry pies. He hoped his grand idea would lead to his music being used as the backdrop to a series of stage plays he would write, with slight alterations to the titles from where his inspiration came. Examples shown in Paul’s notebook that he shared with Rolling Stone included American Hot Pocket: Beta House, American Hot Pocket: The Naked Mile, and American Hot Pocket Wedding.
With the election nearing and no hopeful signs from the current jumble of entrants, I’ve decided to formally announce that I’m throwing my hat in the ring. The people of this country want change, and I’m ready to give it to them. And to the people scared of said unknown change I say this, “Don’t worry, not too much change.” Yes I’m going to move this country forward, but while also being sensitive to the people happy with the status quo. I want to run this country in a new direction, but more like facing a treadmill against a different wall, a nicer wall, a wall with a picture of a boat on it.
I am very aware that I have become a polarizing figure in the political landscape. My controversial views on bridges alone have been found to be completely unsubstantiated and are all but universally reviled. But a man has to stand for something, and here is where I lay the groundwork of my platform. Thusly, my first order if elected will be for the immediate destruction and banning of all bridges in this once great bridgeless nation. Either stay on your side of the water or GO AROUND. I will not budge on this. And to the critics claiming a conflict of interest in me owning a slew of boat dealerships, you sound a lot like bridge-sympathizers.
I will bring not only my wealth of political knowledge to this position, but also the skills from my time in the private sector. I carry a stockpile of innovative ideas that could really spark this floundering economy. I can’t wait to get this country on my giant metaphorical treadmill I’m building, and get us moving forward, creating new jobs (mainly treadmill jobs). I think my past business efforts speak for themselves: Pancake mix waffles, doorbells for cars, colored milk, human doorstops, pancake holders, and cross-country roller coasters. I already have a new idea brewing which I can’t fully divulge the details of just yet, but will give a little taste of what’s to come. You know how air is free, and everywhere? Well let’s just say I’m looking to change that.
I want to take the time now to address some recent flak I’ve been getting about a little awkward social habit I have. The biased media has taken just one of the many quirks that make me unique, and have turned it into a brutal attack to defame my good name. Yes, I spit on babies, but it’s a harmless penchant of mine, just like cursing or biting other people’s fingernails. I also want to add that most of the babies don’t seem to care at all about the spitting and don’t even know what spit is I’m pretty sure. Now, I’m a problem solver, so here’s a quick fix: If you don’t want me to spit on your baby, buy one of my patent-pending lead baby masks.
This nation needs to be respected again. I plan to make this job title one that evokes power and ethics. So I will wear a suit at all times. You’re not going to see me living free and easy relaxing on the golf course with shorts on. I’ll be sweating my butt off the whole time while I golf in my three-piece suit, looking smart and dignified. I will be golfing a lot if elected, and soaking through tons of suits, because this country deserves some class. I will also start my training immediately to be able to dunk a basketball. I think delicate negotiations will go very well once I lure foreign leaders onto the hardwood and slam a dunk straight down their throats.
Environmental affairs are also a concern to me, but protecting the environment is unattainable and has been a futile effort of activists for centuries. We need to help the environment protect itself. Teach a man to fish if you will. Monkey’s will be given wheels, squirrels will have pointy sticks tied to their hands, guns will be scattered throughout the animal kingdom, and once defenseless plants will be paired up with a crow and trained in the buddy system.
I am also interested in growing the youth’s interest in science, so that we can continue to build technological innovations that will support this country for years to come. To help inspire this I will re-name the planets after the cast of MTV’s “The Jersey Shore.” This will drive the children of today to try and someday reach the planet named for their favorite and eternally popular TV character, either by joining NASA or a hot air balloon guild. Hopefully this will help us get on track to finally colonize Snooki (Mars).
Now I may know a whole lot, but I’m also aware enough to know where my knowledge is weaker. On hotly debated issues such as abortion, global warming, gun rights and so on, I will concede my ignorance, and ally myself with advisors who are experts in these fields. Most of the time that will be my cousin, who posts a lot of long think pieces and memes on Facebook, and who yells the loudest at Thanksgiving dinner debates. He’s got a lot of hot takes that I’m ready to listen to and build strict policy around.
This point forward I will work every day to capture your votes, and the votes of my opponents and undecided voters. What this means is getting my word out there and speaking with the people. Please, if you see me out on the campaign trail, come up and ask any question you have, as long as it is a, “yes, no, or maybe” question, and I will answer it. I love this country, and we must work together to ensure its prosperity.
*If you are reading this please spread the word once you get done with your business in this rest stop bathroom stall*