Pets are a great way to watch something smaller, usually furrier, and that loves you die. Unless you’re smart like me and get a tortoise, that way there’s sure to be something sad when I die because they live forever. Those things are basically boring dinosaurs. But my plan fell through when I accidentally left my tortoise in the freezer when I was getting a popsicle. I don’t know why scientists have to be so dramatic about calling what killed the dinosaurs the ‘ice age.’ A simple freezer could have done it too. Not impressed.
Sometimes you can get really attached to a pet, which is sad, and it’s not always easy to tell the right way to respond. Like my girlfriend who told me one day that her cat had cancer and I immediately laughed. Something about cancer that just sounds funny when an animal has it. A few weeks later it died and my girlfriend really took it out on me, blaming me for it. People deal with loss in all sorts of ways. But, I guess she had a point about me playing with her cat and the microwave too much.
One great thing about pets is how cute they are. I love to watch my pets sleep. Pet’s don’t care if you get close to them and watch them sleep, not like when you try to snuggle up with a stranger in a park. But humans can’t be pets, unless they’re a different color than you. But that’s illegal now. What’s great about pets sleeping is their tiny special beds they get. Some animals don’t get beds, like snakes. People usually just get them rocks, which I think is cruel. I used to give my snake long loaves of bread that I would cut in half, but it got too expensive, especially when the sandwich shops wouldn’t give me any free bread even after I told them it was for a snake. I guess ducks are the only animals with bread privileges.
Pets can sometimes get predictable though, always eating and pooping at the same time of day. Apparently predictability is what people like in a lot of ways, like with television. Which is why I was pretty bummed and confused when the TV studio passed on my pitch for “Professional Boxers Vs. Baby Animals.” The studio gave me some harsh criticisms after the pitch I gave, so I just used the argument I always use when someone makes fun of something I do, I yell back “It’s just the way I was raised.” No one can get mad at you if you say that, because it puts all the blame on your parents and makes the people feel sorry for you. I use that argument all the time, like when I try and share a urinal with someone in a bathroom.
Pets are like practice kids. I had quite a few practice kids when I was myself a kid, usually from tying different animals together to try and form super-animals, which never worked out because I used animals that like to eat each other. I was young and didn’t understand the food chain yet. That’s why my parents ended up just drawing eyes on a rock and giving me that so I couldn’t kill any more animals. It worked out pretty well, until my family and Rockboy went on vacation to the Grand Canyon and I tied Rockboy to a stick I found and threw my super-pet down the canyon. It died of erosion. Still, I raised my pets the way I wanted, and learned from my mistakes. There’s no right way to raise an animal unless it died, then it was the wrong way. So, always be willing to ask questions to learn more about what to do. Questions are always good. My boss doesn’t feel that way, because he gets mad at me when he gives me some accounts and I ask “Hey, we’re doing this by the books, right?” and give him a wink. I was going to do it by the books, but I just wanted to clarify.
All in all, pets are great to have around and feel comfortable pooping in front of. I think pets will be around forever, until technology advances and we have robot pets, which will be way better than regular pets because they won’t shed and will have the internet. Those are my two biggest issues with pets as they are now. So go out and play with your pets, and I’ll see you around. I’ll be the guy putting up lost flyers for a worm.